Stephen Fry’s open letter to himself

I have long harboured a secret fear that I am the only person in Britain who doesn’t worship Stephen Fry as a National Treasure. When I watch programmed like QI and Have I got news for you, I only find him moderately entertaining, along with verbose and somewhat self-satisfied. This seems to be something of a minority view however, with many of my friends belonging to Facebook groups entitled Petition for Stephen Fry’s sperm to be harvested for the good of mankind and Stephen Fry’s friendship proxy group.

So it was with a degree of trepidation that I read Stephen Fry’s ‘letter to himself’ in last week’s Guardian. The premise itself was wince-making enough, that of writing an open letter to one’s 16-year-old self. I grew more irritated after the opening gambit, “dearest absurd child”, which was rapidly followed by “oh lord love you, Stephen”.

My eyes fill with tears just to think of you. Of me. Tears splash onto my keyboard now

But it was “my eyes fill with tears just to think of you. Of me. Tears splash onto my keyboard now,” that finished me off. Surely being moved to tears by a combination of your own self and your own prose is pretentious, not treasure-like. But would anyone else agree?

Well apparently yes, because Rachel Johnson mentioned the letter in her Sunday Times column this weekend, calling it “unutterably pretentious”. Stephen Fry is, she says, ”in love with his own unstoppable prolixity”.

Thus encouraged, I looked up the Guardian letter online, and read some of the comments. As it turned out, quite a few other people weren’t fans either. “Cringeworthy and mawkish”. Quite.

European Parliament elections and the Chemical Party

While on an educational visit to the European Commission, we were treated to a session entitled ‘Europe by satellite: pictures and sounds from the EU’. I was semi-comatose until we were watched the following video, called Chemical Party. It was shown as an example of the EU’s efforts to publicise its good deeds, in this instance the EU’s support of research careers:

 

My prudish English sensibilities never quite recovered from the shock of seeing pretty boy Hydrogen and Carbon with the muscles and leather hat ‘attracting’. This may have blinded me to the film’s finer merits, though I’m still willing to concede that it was pretty entertaining. And it could make a useful addition to GCSE chemistry teaching, though perhaps with Carbon removed first.

However, I am less convinced about the EU officials’ hope that promotional videos like Chemical Party will encourage greater voter turnout in the upcoming European Parliament elections on June 4. Still, as only 38.5 per cent of Britons voted in the last election in 2004, perhaps even the most bemusing kind of publicity could provide a boost.

So, if you need help deciding whether to vote in the forthcoming elections, visit EUtube. I would recommend watching either Reform of the Common Market Organisation for Sugar or The European Anti-Fraud Office.

The Magic Flute at the Hackney Empire

My visit to the see The Magic Flute was something of a moment in my life, as it was the first time I’d ever received press tickets. I felt proud as I announced to my friend that we’d be getting ‘press drinks’ in the interval.

Unfortunately, nothing is recession-proof and the Hackney Empire’s  take on  drinks  proved to be a (very) few glasses of vinegary wine around which hacks with bigger elbows than me were already swooping.

Still, I took the chance to evesdrop on what real journalists were saying about the performance, and was surprised to hear one impressive-sounding gentleman complaining about the “gratuitous copulation” in the opening scene. 

Now it’s certainly true that Emanuel Schikaneder’s libretto doesn’t strictly necessitate Helena Bonham Carter look-alikes to strike up poses of intercourse and fellatio before drunkenly collapsing. The English Touring Opera’s version has rendered the allegory behind Tamino (Mark Wilde)  being chased by a serpent very explicit indeed.

Opera is pantomime for grown-ups with artistic pretensions. It’s a world populated by the very good and the very bad, both of whom are constantly falling in love

But opera – particularly light opera like The Magic Flute – is really pantomime for grown-ups with artistic pretensions. It’s a world populated by the very good and the very bad, both of whom are constantly falling in love, and get themselves into whole series of improbable situations. When large chunks of a storyline can be termed ‘gratuitous’,  it’s hard to see why a little extra sex would prove distracting.

Personally, I found that the only real distraction from this excellent production were the uncomfortably small seats in the Hackney Empire. The Queen of the Night (Laure Meloy) was particular impressive: a baddy you couldn’t help but route for as her indignant shrieks reached ever higher, and her enormous skirts enveloped the entire stage, writhing in indignation.

Sarastro (Andrew Slater) proved a more than adequate foil, with a forceful physical presence, while bird-cattcher Papageno (Daniel Grice) was particularly endearing and good-humoured. And Tamino’s unusually visceral incursion with the snake lent an attractive vulnerability to his courting of Pamina (Paula Sides). The slightly average orchestral playing was a comparative weakness, but it was compensated for by Chloe Lamford’s striking three-tiered stage design. All in all, it was definitely enough to make up for the lack of free wine.

Art imitating therapy

Looking at Natascha Germane’s exhibition in the basement Hackney gallery, you would be forgiven for thinking she was the latest up-and-coming artist to be lionised by trendy Shoreditch types.

But look more closely, and you’ll see that the colourful, abstract landscapes are not for sale. In fact the scenes of sunsets, night skies and waterfalls are displayed purely to provide inspiration for those affected by serious mental health problems.

The 36-year-old artist works with the Psychiatric Rehabilitation Association (PRA) based at the Et Cetera gallery off Mare Street. The PRA provides a range of creative activities for members who are recovering from illnesses such as schizophrenia and severe depression.

As well as exhibiting her art, Natascha is working with these members, encouraging them to take part in weekly art classes and use art as a way to help them cope with their illnesses.

“I like to teach. You feel the change in a class and it’s a great feeling,” she says.

Simon Behrman, the services co-ordinator at the PRA, says having an expert at the centre has been invaluable in encouraging the members to get involved with the project.

“Having Natascha here is an inspiration,” he says. “We really appreciate her being here helping us.”

Gary White, who suffers from psychosis, has been attending the PRA for the last 16 years. “It has improved my confidence and it keeps me stimulated,” he says. I have come back down to earth over the last few years, and doing the art has helped.”

Having Natascha here is an inspiration. We really appreciate her being here helping us out

Natascha’s art floods throughout the building, lighting up the walls with contrasting colours and scenes. The pictures in each room are chosen carefully by their use of colour. Soothing blues and greens are used in the counselling rooms to create a calming atmosphere for members, while more vibrant colours are used in the staff room to inspire creativity and enthusiasm.

“I like to feel that both the staff and the members are excited about my paintings,” Natascha enthuses.

“It gives me the feeling that people have actually got the message and understand what I am trying to do.” She chose to share her passion with people battling with mental health problems because she feels that art has helped her through difficult patches in her own life.

“I paint in order to cope with life,” says Natascha. “I understand the state of mind where you don’t have the strength to carry on with life.”

As a six-year-old child, Natascha was forced to move to Iran at the height of the Iraq-Iran war, after her parents divorced. “I saw things no little girl should see,” she says.

I paint in order to cope with life. I understand the state of mind where you don’t have the strength to carry on with life

When she returned to live in Germany four years later, she suffered racial abuse and became involved in gang violence. She also became increasingly dislocated from her family.

“I went off by myself at an early age. I worked from age 14 and left home at 16. I never took money or any support. I always tried to do everything by myself.”

The death of a close friend made her re-evaluate her life. She returned to art, and entered the Hamburg Technical School to study graphic design. She was taught by German artist, Lars Wolf, but they parted company after a year, as Natascha found his art relentlessly depressing.

“Lars was a big mess,” admits Natascha, “He killed his wife and child through drink-driving and that influenced his art. But I realised that I would rather my painting was hopeful, rather than just miserable.”

Natascha’s university studies were cut short after a car accident left her unable to work to pay her course fees. But she continued to exhibit her work throughout Hamburg, and says she did not mind having to leave.

“My teacher always used to say that university is for people who don’t know what they want,” she says. “I do.”

Originally published in the Hackney Post.

Hackney repeat abortion rate twice national average

Teenage girls in Hackney are most likely to have repeat abortions

Teenage girls in Hackney return to the clinic for repeat abortions more than girls in any other part of the country, new figures show.

The borough’s repeat abortion rate was more than twice as high as the national average in 2007.

The news shocked campaigners, who described the figures as “a tragedy” and warned of the “devastating effects” of multiple abortions on Hackney’s young women.

Norman Wells, a spokesman for the pro-life organisation Family and Youth Concern, said: “This alarming number of repeat teenage abortions is the inevitable fruit of a society that has made an idol of sexual pleasure.”

One in five teenage abortions in Hackney was performed on a girl who had already had one or more terminations, compared with a national average of just one in 10.

The proportion of teenagers having multiple abortions was also higher than average in some of the primary care trusts that surround Hackney.

Repeat teenage abortions are the fruit of a society that has made an idol of sexual pleasure 

A fifth of teenage abortions in Hackney are repeats

The figures, which give teenage abortion rates for every primary care organisation in the country, came to light under Freedom of Information.

They also indicated that over a third of abortions in Hackney are carried out on 15 to 17 year olds.

City and Hackney Primary Care Trust declined to comment on the reason for the high number of abortions and repeat abortions.

A spokesperson for the ProLife Alliance, said: “It’s not only a tragedy for the aborted babies but it can have devastating effects on the young women.”

Originally published in the Hackney Post.

Bra fitting is a thriving business

Rosanne Berry's shop is thriving in the recession

Some women binge on chocolates. Others watch hours of chick-flicks. But in north Hackney, women are beating the credit-crunch blues by stocking up on brand-name bras.

“Ladies still want a treat,” says Rosanne Berry, owner of independent lingerie and bra shop Rosa, on Stoke Newington Church Street. “A lot of customers are fed up with everything, and want a bit of spoiling.”

While most high-street shops have experienced declining revenues over the last six months, Rosa’s sales have remained robust. “We do have slow days,” admits Rosanne, “but we haven’t noticed any real fall in demand”. The secret, Rosanne reveals, is her enthusiasm for the product: “I love selling bras. I get such a pleasure from it.”

It’s crucial to be fitted properly. Once your breasts have dropped they won’t go back up again

But Rosanne’s zeal isn’t just for top brass bras. Although all the bras are designer – “we’re not just a market stall” – prices start at an unalarming £18 and go up to a scarier £75. Brands include Triumph, Calvin Klein and Rosanne’s personal favourite, Aubarde. All sizes are catered for too, from 28AA to 50K: “Bigger customers might be disappointed elsewhere.”

Aubarde: Rosanne's favourite brand of bra

Rosa’s real selling point, however, is its expert fitting service. While larger stores like Marks and Spencer generally offer some form of fitting, perfectly sized bras are a consuming passion at Rosa.

“It’s crucial to be fitted properly,” says Rosanne. If not, women can end up with stretch marks and drooping cleavage. And “once your breasts have dropped they won’t go back up again,” she warns.

Expertise such as this comes after years of toil. Rosanne has owned the small shop for more than 13 years, but had worked in the underwear business previously as well. The shop itself was established 70 years ago in 1939, originally specialising in corsets.

Rosa’s position as a Hackney institution is reaping rewards as recession creeps on.

“We have regulars in all the time. A lot of people are staying local, instead of going into town, because they want to stay loyal to local businesses. And they don’t want to be tempted into buying things they don’t need; we’re not into pressuring people here,” says Rosanne.

In fact with its emphasis on pitch-perfect fit above sales, Rosa may be the perfect shop for Stoke Newingtonians feeling the pinch.

Rosa, 3 Stoke Newington Church St, N16. Tel: 020 7254 3467

This article was originally published in the Hackney Post.

Jailing Boy George – ‘One of Hackney police’s greatest achievements’

Boy George imprisoned a prostitute in his Shoreditch flat

Jailing singer Boy George has been described by Hackney police as one of their finest achievements in the last 12 months.

In a document detailing crime figures for the last year, police listed several “key borough achievements”, one of them being the successful conviction of the 1980s chart-topper.

Boy George, real name George O’Dowd, was jailed for 15 months in January for imprisoning a male escort in his Shoreditch flat, following an investigation by Hackney police.

Because a character is high profile it does not mean they are any more important than any other case

Yvonne Traynore, chief executive of London division of specialist service, Rape Crisis, said: “Because a character is high profile it does not mean they are any more important than any other case. With 121 rapes, 317 sexual assaults and 1,871 domestic violence cases involving people who are not celebrities I would hope that a key achievement next year is the conviction of more ‘unknown’ perpetrators of these crimes.”

Crime figures for the same period show murder rates, hate crime and rape are all on the increase.

Other successes listed on the Metropolitan Police website as “key borough achievements” for Hackney were the issuing of an ASBO to a 38-year-old prostitute, banning her from entering the Shacklewell Lane area, and the arrest of a mobile phone robber “shortly after committing the offence”.

The number of people murdered in Hackney rose to twelve in 2008, compared with five in 2007.

One was Shaquille Smith, a 14-year-old who was stabbed to death on a park bench outside the Frampton Park Estate in South Hackney. Five teenagers from Hackney are charged with his murder and a trial date is set for April.

Hate crime was also higher in 2008, with an increase in both racist and homophobic attacks.

In addition, sexual violence increased, with a 50 per cent rise in the number of rapes, from 84 in 2007 to 127 in 2008.

Her Majesty Inspectorate of Constabulary’s (HMIC) has called Hackney “one of the most challenging policing environments in the country”.

Both Hackney Borough Police and the Metropolitan Police declined to comment.

The content has now been removed from the Metropolitan Police website.

This article was originally published in the Hackney Post. It was written jointly with Clare Dickinson.

Mysterious noise plagues Hackney

Do mysterious noises constitute ‘news’?

When I set off, flip cam in hand to interview a Hackney resident about the unidentified high-pitched noise that plagued her street, my course mates mocked me.

 Even though it was in the good cause of our course newspaper, the Hackney Post, their feelings were clear: noises, however long-lasting and screechy, just weren’t real news.

But my faith in news as noise was restored (somewhat) when the Bristol Evening Post ran a very similar story – Mystery alarm causes sleepless nights for Bristol residents. Obviously these dammed noises are everywhere.

If you listen carefully, you can just about hearing it in the background:

Why panda porn is no use

Pandas and their activities are such a rich mine of news stories that I had to include another one: man bites panda.

Now this one has always stuck in my mind since one of our tutors, Allan Gill, explained the old news editors’ maxim that dog bites man isn’t a story, but man bites dog is. Surely then, man bites panda is an even better story?

Despite his underhand fighting technique, Zhang Xinyan came off very much the worse when he climbed into the panda enclosure at Beijing zoo, and attempted to hug Gu Gu the panda.

As we know, pandas aren’t always so keen on that kind of physical contact. Gu Gu bit Mr Zhang, and Mr Zhang bit back. Mr Zhang finished up in hospital with his legs covered in bandages. 

What I particularly liked was the detail that Gu Gu was “suffering from shock”. It just goes to show that pandas are obviously very highly-strung animals indeed. It’s no wonder that they are so poor at mating. Instead of giving them porn to watch, their keepers would probably be better off spiking their bamboo shoots with valium.

Gu Gu: a highly-strung panda

Panda porn

Panda porn is, in my opinion, the best news story ever. It combines everything a reader could ask for: sex, humour, cuddly animals and triumph over adversity.  

It seems that despite their status as highly endangered animals, pandas are so miserably shy that nothing can persuade them to have sex and do their bit to preserve the panda species. But zoo keepers at the Chengdu Panda Breeding and Research Centre in south-west China have been trying to entice them to do their duty by getting them to watch videos of other pandas mating, so they can see how much fun it is and try it out at home. Apparently it’s working – more than 30 per cent of the pandas at the zoo are now having sex, as opposed to 10 per cent a decade ago.  

Adult videos for pandas are now being tried out in Thai zoos as well. And panda porn even has a wikipedia entry, which explains that panda porn refers to: “pornographic movies created to promote sexual arousal in captive Giant Pandas”.  

Other tactics include bribing male pandas to do “sexercises”, consisting of the sort of squats you’re supposed to practice before going on a skiing holiday.  

An underperforming panda settles down for some quiet time